Sunday, November 25, 2007

THANKSGIVING REVELATIONS

L and I traveled to Boogie for Thanksgiving (or “Columbus Day” as our friends in Canada say). I learned a few things over the long holiday season. I thought this holiday was for giving thanks for what we were already aware of, but apparently it is also for learning things we didn’t know.

First, I had no idea it would take three days to plan and pack a five day excursion out of town. It didn’t used to. Sure, you can blame the baby, and I’m pretty sure it was his fault. I just don’t know how or why. In any case, this 3:5 ratio is unacceptable.

Second, I spent fifteen hours driving between Chicago and St. Louis. It is about 600 miles round trip. That’s not fast. Furthermore, if we use my best time ever (granted, in a BMW 700 series with a no-consequences rich kid driving), I should have been able to make the round trip approximately twice. That’s right. I have gone 1200 miles in the time it took me to do 600 this week. Again, you can blame the baby, but I am still the one getting amped up on Red Bulls and mint gum.

Third, hillbillies are much more affectionate with strange children than non-children of the corn. I know this because Cracker Barrel apparently has a great diaper changing station in the women’s bathroom (although they are decent enough to not have it on the men’s side), so we stopped there coming and going. Mostly hillbillies, old people, and people with kids seem to eat at the Barrel. And hillbillies were perfectly willing to interact with U. One lady even kissed him on the head!?! How do you react to that? I swallowed by rising chicken-fried chicken and smiled. And no, I really don’t know how to chicken-fry a chicken.

Fourth, it takes a special kind of asshole to wait for a weekend when I have a stop on my newspaper to deliver not one but two free samples of another paper. You know why I didn’t have newspapers on my porch this week/weekend? Because I didn’t want to make it obvious I was out of town. So thank you, Red Eye, for leaving samples so that it was obvious that I was . . . wait for it . . . out of town. Morons. Oh, and the Red Eye is free, so why did anyone thing I needed a sample at my door?

Fifth, U looks like he belongs in L’s older sister’s family. They are all dark-headed, with pale skin and blue eyes. I didn’t realize it, but they did so we took a picture with U sitting with their fam. Oh my. I think we got the wrong baby. I also think some genealogist in the future is going to go nuts looking for the birth records for their third kid in California, when the picture shows our first in the Chi. Ha! Ha! Screw you, genealogists!

Finally, I know that if Missouri and West Virginia play for the national championship in football something will be very wrong. Seriously. Mizzou and the Mountaineers? However the BCS and polls played out, there is no way either of those teams is better than LSU or Ohio State. Seriously. By the way, I firmly believe that had the Illini played Mizzou a few weeks later the Illini would have beaten Mizzou. They almost did in week one as it was.

That’s what I’ve got. How was your holiday?